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Wednesday, April 28, 2004
 
Please pray for my 4 year old!

According to Pastor John Hagee, Satan has been making a serious attempt to steal my child's soul. It is so comforting to know that folks who care, like Pastor Hagee, not only have a direct line to God, but they have an open line to the White House, as well.

***WARNING! The following is NOT parody! I have reprinted it in its glorious entirety. (emphasis has been added)***


Dear Partners,

You know that recently I have taken on the Harry Potter phenomenon and have revealed how Harry and his friends are leading our children into witchcraft and sorcery. But now I have a far more urgent message that I need to share with you.

Perhaps, like me, you have become concerned about the little yellow cartoon character named SpongeBob Squarepants. On the surface, this show may seem innocent enough, but after talking with leading occult experts and people who actually work in the cartoon industry, I need to share what my ministry has uncovered.

Consider, first of all, that your children are watching a sponge that can walk, talk, and breathe. But we know this is impossible. Sponges (according to several leading botanists we interviewed) are actually one of the lowest forms of animal life. I mean, these things can't even tie their own shoelaces. Most sponges do not even appear yellow in their natural habitat. So what is a yellow sponge doing teaching your children about frying hamburgers, dancing the two-step (also a no-no!), and driving a car?

Given the moral decay of our nation today, it is easy to see, however, why most parents have abdicated their parenting responsibilities to SpongeBob. Satan has twisted their minds and is battling for the souls of their progeny.

A recent review of some thirty random SpongeBob episodes also revealed the following morally decadent messages:

  • In one episode, SpongeBob pulls down his squarepants and reveals his square buttocks.
  • An underage SpongeBob is shown driving a car while receiving morally questionable guidance from a dumb Starfish named Patrick.
  • SpongeBob frequently lies and cheats to get out of trouble.
  • Many of the sea creatures shown in these episodes are not wearing pants of any kind (square, or otherwise).
  • The show promotes a belief in Neptune, god of the sea: a clear message to children that they should be polytheists.
  • SpongeBob talks in a high, falsetto voice (do I need to say more about the homosexual threat to America?).
  • All of these sea creatures are depicted as single and available for reproduction.
  • None of these shows depicts an underwater church or house of worship.
  • None of these shows make any clear reference to Jesus Christ as the Savior of the World; and this includes the sea and all that is in it.

As part of our undercover expose, John Hagee Ministries is now offering a video tape titled: Pulling Down SpongeBob's Squarepants: Exposing Satan's Yellow Bellied Plan. I am pleased to offer this 45-minute tape for $29.95 (plus S&H) We hope that parents might watch this video with their children and talk to them about the evils of this animated show.

In addition, for those of you who watch my regular telecast and can actually read, we are offering a companion volume ($15.95, 456 pages) titled: Squarepants for Parents: An Insider's Guide to the Most Satanic Show on Television. This is an in-depth book, detailing the thousands of magical, occult and pagan practices my ministry uncovered in this little program. The chapters and topics include:
  • Patrick and Sandy: What kind of relationship do they really have?
  • The Sexual Practices of an Everyday Sponge: Asexual reproduction and your child.
  • What's Really Cookin' at the Crusty Crab?
  • Mrs. Puff and the Absent Husband.
  • Why Squidward Plays More Than the Clarinet.
  • Beyond the Cutting Room Door: Where the Character Voices Really Come From.
  • Why the Pineapple House Built on Sand Will Not Last.

I urge you to talk to your pastor and your children about this show before it is too late. Satan has already claimed the hearts and minds of millions through Harry Potter, and now the Lord of Darkness is coming into your home through an animated sponge.

Please join me in this crusade to squeeze the life-giving water of Jesus into this little sponge, that he might be born again.

As always, your continued contributions and support are appreciated. We are praying for you.
In Christ,

Oh my God!!!!! I've turned my boy into a falsetto singing homosexual! The shame, the shame......
 
Shouting into the closet to inform and entertain the 10 people who actually read this thing. In our new format as an online magazine, we take pride in our reporting and opinions. Please leave reader feedback on our online magazine message board so that we can better serve you.

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Cost of the War in Iraq
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