ROACHBLOG

An Online Magazine

Wednesday, June 22, 2005
 
It's American, right?


Hey America!

Are you tired of being compared to Nazis or Pol Pot as you use the same old, tired torture techniques day after day? Do your friends and neighbors look at each other in a knowing way when you talk about your latest interrogation? Do you long for the days when you were respected as an international power instead of merely feared and despised?

Have we got a deal for you! All-American Torture Products has a complete line of All-American humiliation, interrogation and persuasion products that will put the snap back in Old Glory and the shine back on that big brass eagle! Just look at what we offer:

The ever popular Feces ‘n’ Chains® sensory deprivation set

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Includes arm and leg irons, eyeless masks and breathing restrictors with detailed instructions on how to restrain your guest so he can get a good night’s sleep.
Feces not included. Not to be used as a sleep aid. See your doctor if symptoms persist.




Rock the night away with our Naked Buttpile® party kit!

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This package includes tape recordings of the Rev. James Dobson expounding the evils of Musliminity, along with diagrams for your very own Naked Buttpile®. Guaranteed fraternity-style fun for everyone! See how tall a buttpile you can make!
Not endorsed by any actual fraternity.



The Have-a-Heart Leash Convincer®

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Every once in a while, you may run into a guest who just won’t get with the program. Don’t pout: Convince him! This little gem is guaranteed to get results!
Female guard for illustration purposes only.



Bad Guy® Freezer Wrap.

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Now and then accidents do happen, but that’s no reason to feel bad, especially when it happens to a Bad Guy®. Wrap him up in this tidy freezer wrap so his compatriots can see our All-American sanitary standards for themselves!
Not to be used for food storage. Suffocation hazard. Keep away from children under 3 years of age

The Pee-Away® Q’uran.

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After a big night of All-American interrogation, it’s not unheard of for a little of the “yellow stuff” to end up where it shouldn’t. Have no fear, the Pee-Away® Q’uran is guaranteed to to shed it like water off a duck’s back, time after time.
90 day unconditional guarantee. Not for commercial use.

All-American Torture Products is proud to set a standard for torture and abuse that is much higher than any previous purveyors of such items. See our full catalog for even more exciting products.
 
Shouting into the closet to inform and entertain the 10 people who actually read this thing. In our new format as an online magazine, we take pride in our reporting and opinions. Please leave reader feedback on our online magazine message board so that we can better serve you.

“There’s a lot of money to pay for this that doesn’t have to be U.S. taxpayer money, and it starts with the assets of the Iraqi people…and on a rough recollection, the oil revenues of that country could bring between $50 and $100 billion over the course of the next two or three years…We’re dealing with a country that can really finance its own reconstruction, and relatively soon.” -Paul Wolfowitz

Cost of the War in Iraq
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